My Time at the Sundress Academy for the Arts Residency
My Time at the Sundress Academy for the Arts Residency
Peaceful setting; turbulent emotions
It’s hard to believe that in the month I almost accepted an invite from the Grim Reaper, I was also a resident at the SAFTA Firefly Farms in Knoxville, TN. Life comes at you fast! Or should I say near-death experiences? Whatever the appropriate term, I began March writing in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains and ended the month going away in a puff of smoke. Therapists and Instagram wellness influencers who throw around psych terms for clout would probably tell me I am still “processing my trauma” and I don’t doubt that there is probably some existential fear calcifying in my subconscious as I type. However, the peace I feel at this moment is remarkable and a far cry from the whirlpool of emotions roiling inside me during my week at SAFTA.
My emotional turmoil had no relationship to the good work Sundress is doing as a publisher and residency space. It had everything to do with an accumulation of personal problems and irritations that have melted away in the face of my medical emergencies: a mediocre relationship that ended in a nonsensical aftermath, financial stressors, my inability to enjoy even one second of my life in Brooklyn, made even more irritating by so many people saying “IT’S THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD” while we all continued to stay at home because we had no means for the life the best city in the world demanded. My writing was going nowhere, the many dates I went on post-break-up were a string of the most boring men alive when not a source of true annoyance. (Shout out to the man I walked out on for trying to justify the atrocities occurring in Palestine. ) I had spent the better part of the last 12 months—ever since my roommate forced me to move out on the day I got a $5000+ tax bill, triggering a chain of events that forever marred my entire quality of life and decision-making—silencing the part of myself screaming, “You shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be here.”
When I got out of my Uber in the rustic SAFTA house, nestled in the soothing ochre shades of the Tennessean woods, with the cleanest air I’ve breathed in probably a decade, you’d think I would have seen it as a respite. Instead, the protests of “YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE” got louder. Deafening. But I stayed the course, because what was I going to do? Keep crying over my messed up life in my shared apartment in Brooklyn? If I was going to do that, I might as well have some sheep to keep me company.
SAFTA was unlike the other two residencies I’ve attended, both of which had large groups of artists, group dinners, and an open house component. They were also enmeshed in fairly denser environments, whether it was the tony Chicago suburbs or a quirky New England city. There were only two other writers with me; one long-term resident who functioned as our main point person and a poet who was staying at the cabin about a quarter mile up the road.
My only social obligation was to feed the sheep and chickens in the mornings and make sure to tell the massive farm dog that they were a very good girl. Sometimes the residents and I coincided for meals and they were lovely humans. My sadness was such, though, that I could barely muster the energy to interact. It was a time when I felt spoken language failed me. I had run out of ways to skirt or coyly explain the many humiliations of the past months, so I preferred to stay silent.
In my room, though, I focused. Focused on my writing with a drive I had lost. We talk so much about the fear of the page, the anxiety over our production, how fraught it all is, that I think we forget many of us turned to writing as a type of solace. Historically, I’ve struggled with revising—I’m flighty in my interests, impatient, and prefer things are done instead of good lol. During that week, though, I laboriously pored over an essay three years in the making and found a cheap thrill in erasing and improving. It doesn’t take a Ph.D. in psychology to understand why this might have helped me then. When every other thing in my life felt uncontrollable, there was one small area where I didn’t have to tolerate defects, didn’t have to stay stuck in a pit of remorse. I could make changes. I could strive for what’s great. I could build upon a foundation.
So for four to five hours of my day, that’s what I would do. Revise. Sometimes, I’d do a little research. Then, I would read for hours and finish my day with TV or a movie. The gnawing feeling that I was not meant to be there never went away, but I also didn’t let it consume me. I sat with that discomfort. It taught me that you can write while holding hands with your misery. Sometimes, it’s all you can do.
Homework
I felt most at peace during the SAFT residency when I was tending to farm duties. Feeding the animals, making sure they had enough water, gathering the freshly laid eggs were all tasks that took me out of my own spiral and focused my energy on something else. This month’s homework is to take care of a living thing whether it’s a plant, an animal, or a community member.
State of My Wallet
March Invoiced: $7,765.96
March Received: $5,816.56
Finally! Some solvency! Still under my 10k goal per month but a a lot better than previous ones. Still in the process of phasing out checks—it’s really only an issue with my non-profit translation clients. Anyone know why? Industry-standard? In terms of the big game changers of the month, it was signing two retainers contracts with an agency and the continued support of my paid subscribers (my gratitude is eternal).
Progress Report
Grant/Fellowship/Residency applications: 0
Pitches: 4
LOIs/Job Applications: 0
Accepted pitches: 0
Rejected pitches: Lots of ghosting
Rejected Grant/Fellowship/Residency Applications: 1
Rejected LOIs/Job Applications: 1
Accepted proposals: 2
I was keeping a steady rhythm until my stint in the hospital put everything on hold. I missed the deadlines for several job, grant, and residency applications I had my heart set on. There’s always next year. If ever there was a time to focus on my health it was this one.
I did get rejected by the DeGroot Foundation and Defector, but it was a long shot anyway. Onwards and upwards!
Shameless Self-Promotion
Thank you to everyone who reached out via comments, emails, DMs, Instagram, pigeon carrier, whatever to wish me a swift recovery! I am humbled by the amount of love and support I’ve received from family, friends, and even strangers. I don’t know how to repay you all other than to continue living a good life and making sure I show up whenever you’re in need.
My Q2 is pretty scheduled, but I still have availability for new projects in June and I want to fill up my Q3 earlier rather than later. My wish list projects:
More editorial/long-form work. I love a commissioned piece, so if there are any editors out there reading this who would like to work with me, please reach out. I’ve also had a couple of editors contact me with an invitation to pitch—more of this, please! It’s encouraging and validating to be on your radar.
Overseeing Spanish-language recording sessions for ad spots.
Translating news articles.
Interview-based pieces. Think About Me sections, profiles, internal reports, etc.
A reminder that I also provide feedback on artist statements. Reply to this email to learn more.
I paused Tarot card readings until late April, since I’m focused on my recovery. Nevertheless, you can schedule one for May and June and I’d love to help you gain some clarity on your own life emergencies hehe. The half-hour virtual sessions are a great way to gain some insight into next year. The suggested donation is $40. Books yours here.
Take a look at my Poshmark closet, if you’re into that sort of thing. I’ll be adding more items the closer I get to my moving day. Watch out for furniture postings too, if you’re in the NYC area.
Thanks to all my new minty-fresh subscribers! Your support means a lot. I hope to see you soon in my weekly virtual write-ins, which I plan on resuming next week. Interested in joining? Upgrade for the invite and access other benefits like samples of my pitches, freelance templates, and perks like city guides.