Things That Made Me Less Cranky: January 2024 Edition

The list is back, but with a twist!

Welcome to my monthly list of recommendations. Previous iterations focused on my cultural consumption but I’m sharing those in other issues. Moving forward, this list is made up of completely random things/events/moments that made me less of a raging, bitter, hag despite the dumpster fire that is our world. It also includes food-centric suggestions. Enjoy!

¿Lima, La Horrible? Sir, she’s been MILF-ified!

Idiosyncratic List of What Made Me Less Cranky

• My 5-year-old nephew confidently ordering, “¡Pequeños, para todos” at a restaurant when he really meant tequeños, but what is he doing ordering a round of anything at his age like a moneyed old man LMAO

• The way babies begin life as the melting face emoji. Seriously, just look at how they sleep, cheeks flattened and spread across a blanket.

• International editions of Love Is Blind because it proves we are all shallow trash bags of flesh, regardless of our social welfare system. (Looking at you, Sweden!)

• Watching any movie longer than 90 minutes throughout an entire week. This is my ringing endorsement of Killers of the Flower Moon.

• Lima’s ocean waters turning turquoise because of El Niño.

• The Cabify driver in Peru who told me a story about the time he used to work managing operations for an irrigation company in the Andes. One time, he and his partner were trying to drill a well. For two days, they struggled to get past a layer that felt like pure, solid rock. One of the townspeople asked him if he had made an offering to the Apu. In Andean culture, mountains aren’t inanimate terrain. They are living spirits, there to protect the region. The Cabify driver, being from Lima, didn’t believe in such things but like any good Peruvian, he had no qualms about turning to superstition when things got tight. The local worker introduced him to a shaman who offered the soil traditional gifts like potatoes and beans and Coca-Cola. The next day, the hard earth gave way and his company was able to build a well.

• Being sheltered from the Stanley Cup controversy.

• The bookstore La Rebelde in Barranco.

• Mom friends who are no longer enamored of domestic life and have an irresistible urge to drink copious amounts of cocktails on a weekday and dance at a hole-in-the-wall bar that only plays Latina American 90s tops hit and salsa de oro.

• Finding a 401(K) you forgot you even had in your home country.

• A budget app telling you that you save $2,637 a week simply by not being in New York City. It kind of pissed me off too.

• Hair salons outside of New York City. Are you sensing a theme?

• A social life that consists of asking bartenders about the latest gastronomical trends and their thoughts on the tourist economy.

• Airports with really good food, like Tanta in Lima or Tortas Frontera in O’Hare.

• Binge-watching 28 hours of Bravo after an international trip.

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Restaurant of the Month: Huaca Pucllana in Lima

Just an ancient temple, chilling

This is a fancy, shmanzy joint graced by the kind of intrepid and well-off tourist that travels to Lima for its culinary scene, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and the ghosts of pre-hispanic priests—for real! The dining room overlooks a seven-platformed pyramid built by the Lima civilization, one of the hundreds of cultures that came before the Incas. The food is novo-Peruvian, if that’s even a term, but what I mean is that it serves some classic national dishes while creating some of their own. We came here for my dad’s birthday and ordered half the menu. For my main course, I chose the paiche amazónico in black ají sauce, a tangy reduction sauce made from fermented, poisonous yuca. We go hard!

Now that is what I call a SLAB of fish

Bar of the Month: Sastrería Martinez in Lima

Look, this bar is expensive for Lima which means it’s about the same price as a ho-hum cocktail bar in Flatbush. The vibe is 1920s American speakeasy, because Peru never had prohibition, but we recognize a banger aesthetic when we see it. Drinks are well-crafted, inventive, and incorporate a lot of homegrown products, even if said homegrown product is “agave-based spirit” because we can’t use Mezcal—Mexico owns that (as it should). Pretend like you’re Al Capone, pre-tax evasion charges, and ask the bartenders for recommendations. They did not lead me astray.

The vibes were Scorcese-chic

Best Thing I Ate: Chirimoya ice cream bonbons at Huaca Pucllana

I had actually ordered a different dessert but the waiter misheard me and brought me this instead—a fortuitous mistake. These bite-size pieces sang with the tropical and coconut-like hints of the fruit. But the best part was that the bowl came with airy chocolate meringue, just enough crunch to balance out the texture.

I did not eat this in a ladylike manner

Best Thing I Drank: Silly, little fruit juices in Lima

Guys, the screwed-up food systems in the US are really scamming us out of so many Earthly delights. And then they add corn syrup on top of the slop we get. The simple joy of throwing some fruit in a blender, no need to even add water, and pity the fool who asks for sugar—we should all have access to that.

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